#3- My 2024 Review

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Transcription of the episode

EPISODE TEASER

This is a more personal episode. I usually share more, about the business side, the professional side. I hope it invites you to check in, maybe for the next year, on how to not compromise on what you really want or desire, and how to start listening more to yourself.

EPISODE SUMMARY

This episode is for you if you want to do a 2024 review. Also, if you want to know me better, I’m going to share what I’ve been going through more on the personal side and also share with you how I prepare for the next year.

Mentioned in the episode:
Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have by Walter Makichen (book)
Ina May’s guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (book)

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

So how was 2024 for you?

Of course, I would love to hear about it. So comment on this episode, share here with me. And as you know, this is The Inner Space. So here, I invite you to give some space for reflection, for a review of your year.

So how was 2024 for me?

It’s interesting because I’ve changed, like one, two, three years ago, my way to end the year and especially set new intentions for the next year. Before, I would usually have done things in quite a classical way, like, “Okay, 2025 is coming. What do you want to see happening? Which project would you like to birth?” Yeah, really more of a goal approach. And something shifted when I was in Italy. In the south of Italy, it was a beautiful place. I was really spending the last days before entering the new year. There, the weather was quite nice, allowing me to have a walk next to the water and just feel the vibe. And when I was there, during an extraordinary New Year’s Eve, I was like, “Oh, how does the next year feel?” That was the question.

Instead of “What do you want to see happening in the next year?”—a very goal-setting approach—it was like, “What does the next year feel like?” Of course, you need to give some space. You might have answers if you are quite intuitive. Maybe it will take a bit more time. And I was really surrendering to the moment, just feeling into the moment and seeing this very transition from the last year into the new year as a moment of things coming to me instead of me going to things. The movement is more one of reception than actively seeking something. And I believe that’s also something super important: to be in these two modes of, “Okay, I’m active, I’m in movement,” and also able to receive.

As I was there, the word “extraordinary” came to me. It’s like, “Whoa, that’s how the next year feels.” Of course, you can imagine when you’re like, “Oh, wow, that’s a nice word to announce the upcoming year.” And I really stayed with that word in both a receptive and an active mode. In an active mode in the sense of, “Okay, every month I would see: Do I have something planned that is extraordinary?”

How can I make something happen to make it extraordinary? How can I live maybe a quite simple moment in an extraordinary way? So that was me actively making it happen. And in a receptive mode, making space for life to surprise me and bring something extraordinary. And the year really unfolded that way. If you’ve been following me for a while, I had shared a summary of what happened every month, and it was truly incredible. I really loved it, of course.

And then I came to the end of the year. I repeated the same process. I was like, “Hey, how do you feel for next year? What’s coming?” And there I was like, “I sense it’s not going to be exactly the same.” I was like, “Oh, shit. I really liked the word for the previous year. I would like something similar.” And that’s how sometimes you have expectations, or at least I believe everyone would like to have something extraordinary. And I couldn’t—I didn’t—put exactly a word at that moment, but I felt the year would be different. And now we are at the end of the year. If you listen to this episode at the end of 2024, maybe you listen to it at the beginning of 2025, and that’s fine, too.

We are still in this energy of transition. I’m reflecting now because, as I said, it’s a 2024 review, but also, of course, we can set things for 2025. I look back and I’m like, “Oh, now I understand better the feeling I had about the year to come.” Because your soul knows already in advance and can sense things happening. I now know the word that summarizes the year, which is not so much a description, like the objective I had before, which was “extraordinary,” but which is much more about what I had to develop this year.

What did my life ask me to deepen this year? And that’s the question. Before I answer for myself, I would love you to tell me: What did life propose for you to develop and dig deeper this year? What did life propose for you? What was maybe the lesson, if you like that phrasing? But I… I don’t know. I’m not sure it resonates for me. What were you here to learn this year? And for me, the word—and you have it already in the introduction of the inner space—you might remember, I say I invite you to develop self-knowledge and self-mastery. I speak about feeling all the emotions. And the third one is developing self-trust, trusting yourself more. And this is the basis and the foundation I support you with, which are fundamental for you to live a life that fulfills you, that is fulfilling. And I, of course, apply that every day. And for me, this year was really about trusting myself even more than before.

How did it look?

I’m going to give you very concrete examples. I’m going to talk about three very specific moments in the year.

1. Moving city

The first one was we had already felt at the end of last year with my partner that we wanted to move. We felt something needed to shift. We didn’t want to be where we were anymore. We were in Boston at that time. And we just felt things needed to shift. We started to wonder, where do we want to go? My husband’s dream was, “I want to move to New York.” I felt like, “Whoa, this is maybe a bit too overwhelming, but let’s stay open, travel there, have a look, see, because the city has many different suburbs. It can be very different.”

And we started to go on that quest, finding our way through that idea. We visited some places, apartments, to really imagine where we could live, started to make financial planning to see how much it would cost, and so on. We started to do that, and we went quite a few times. We had spent one week in New York. We had planned the week after to go to Miami to visit friends and family in Miami. We landed in Miami. And at the end of the week, I said to my partner, “It could be nice to live in Miami.” And we had already been working more on the New York version. I introduced that idea. We started to talk about it, and then it followed with weeks of discussion. We knew our lease would end in October, so our lease with the apartment. So we had to make a decision: renew it, move to another city, or stay. And there we went back and forth. I was regularly feeling into Miami, New York, maybe somewhere else. Of course, I told you my husband was really for New York, but I felt something else.
And it actually was at a similar moment that I became pregnant. And from that moment, I wasn’t the only one thinking and feeling. Like already, a soul was ready in my body and was influencing the decision-making process. It took me a bit of time to understand that. There’s a book that was recommended by a friend that I love, which is called Spirit Babies. It’s by a medium who is really specialized in helping babies come to Earth and has a lot of knowledge. So I highly recommend it if you’re interested. Also, from a neuroscience perspective, I can’t remember the name because it’s quite scientific and we don’t use it daily. But when you are pregnant, you share with your baby. It’s not just—before, I thought the baby is in your environment—but the baby’s cells are in your heart, in your head, in your entire body. It’s quite impressive. What I mean by that is my space from that moment was no longer only my space. From the moment I became pregnant, I started to be connected to my baby’s soul. I started to make decisions not just for myself, for us as a couple, but for us as a family, and also including the baby.

Now, talking about it, I have much more understanding, but at that time, I didn’t have that much. I was asking the baby, “What’s the environment where you actually want to be born?” Also for myself, of course, “What’s the environment where you want your baby to be born, where you want to do the postpartum period?” And I knew that the baby would come in December. So for once, this Christmas is not… Usually, I am in Austria, where part of my family is from—so more of a wintery vibe. And this time, I’m going to be in the warmth. And I was feeling into all of that: for the baby, for us, for me. And we started to have so many discussions because it wasn’t really the plan of my partner. And that’s the first time—because I’m going to describe three key moments—that was the first moment where it took me so much self-trust because I didn’t have 100% certainty. From my human design, I know I’m never going to reach that, “Oh, yes, this is the right decision.” So it’s not super easy to move when you don’t have this 100% certainty.
But I knew that’s fine, that’s normal, that’s enough. And in this situation, as in the next one I’m going to describe, I had to—I was going to say—convince my partner or, more accurately, make him be open and agree to my proposal because he had a different plan. So one thing is trusting yourself when you’re just by yourself. And another is trusting yourself in a situation where you are impacting many other people. If I go back to a moment where I had to develop self-trust, which was a big change in my life, in 2019—also a year of self-trust for many reasons—that time, I felt like I wanted to go to Australia. I was by myself, but I didn’t know. I was like, “Will I really like it?” I had lots of fears: moving continents, and I also didn’t have financial stability at that time. So it was very scary to make the move by myself to a city where I didn’t know anyone, just based on the feeling and the calling of “There is something there for me” and my desire to go there. So there, I had to develop self-trust and move with that.
And I went there, and it was a very good decision. And this time, this year, it’s not just about me. I’m making my partner move and my future family. This is not only involving me. I need a deeper level of self-trust because I’m embarking someone else in the decision. Because my partner had another vision, you really need to be super centered, going back to what you feel and sense is right, and of course, having discussions so that it works for both. In the end, the answer is: we moved. And that’s where I’m recording the podcast. That’s where I’m spending my Christmas time and the following months. And we did that move. But I can tell you, in that moment, there was a lot of doubt, of questioning, of a feeling of responsibility as well. That was not easy to move through. So I’m, of course, thankful to my partner for having trusted me and for making that move. And now that I am here, it’s always so easy to say it later on, I’m like, “Yes, I’m happy to be here. I’m enjoying being out. I feel the connection to nature.” Yes, I feel good here. So that was the first example I wanted to share.

2. Travelling to Africa

The second one is, again, related to my pregnancy. I wanted to visit a friend who is living in Kenya. And being pregnant, you might imagine that it’s not very recommended to go to Africa, especially because I don’t live in Africa. So my body is not used to the conditions there, the diseases. Because, of course, many women have kids in Africa, but if you would read the recommendations—whether it’s from doctors in the US or Europe—they do not recommend going there when you are pregnant. I made my research. I didn’t have the vaccines, for example, the yellow fever vaccine. There was the question of the medicine against malaria. We didn’t have so much information about the impact it might have on the baby. There was one medicine that we knew was safe. But then this medicine made you have psychotic moments, depression, or suicidal thoughts. So you can imagine that you don’t want to take that medicine. And again, there was a sense of: if I go there, do I get vaccinated? Which medicine do I need to take?
Same thing, we discussed it with my partner, and he knew I wanted to go there because I wanted to visit my friend. We also had planned a trip with other friends. So I felt it was also the last special moment before welcoming a baby into our family where I would be only with my friends. And I knew it was super precious for me—also living abroad—to have that quality time. So that was the main reason I wanted to go. And of course, Kenya also presented a beautiful opportunity with my friend living there, seeing all the animals, the nature. And here, you can’t imagine the back and forth. Luckily, my friend was living there. I had another friend there, too, so we could have very concrete discussions about what the situation was like there. If you are able to put yourself in the situation I’m describing, there is responsibility there. Because, of course, you don’t want your baby to get malaria or—well, even without a baby, you don’t want to. You know the impact. Anything can happen. So I also had friends and professionals telling me, “It’s a risk. Are you aware of the risk you are taking?”

So I assessed the risk. And you still take a decision where you don’t have control over the risk. You never know what can happen. Maybe you take the decision and later on you’re like, “Okay, I shouldn’t have done that.” There again, this time, my partner was more in a neutral position. He was like, “Of course, if I decide, I would like you not to go because there is our baby in the middle.” And he’s right. It’s not just about me. But he didn’t say, because he knows me, I am free. I am a free spirit. He didn’t say, “You can’t go,” because that’s not the relationship we have. At least that’s not how we see our couple. So, oh my God. Again, I was like, “Whoa. Do you trust yourself? How do you feel about that? Do you go there?” And the answer—you might sense this already, or if you’ve been following me, of course, you’ve seen the pictures and what I’ve shared—is I went. It was, again, a good decision. It was really about trusting myself, choosing who I listen to. Because self-trust often is shaken by what other people say.
So, who do you listen to? And the most important person you need to listen to is yourself. Luckily, I also had support and great friends with whom I traveled. In the end, we had such a beautiful trip. It was a good decision again, and that required me to trust myself even more. Because, like with the other decision, my partner was not 100% on board. So it requires you to have even more strength—inner strength.

3. Giving Birth at Home

And then the last decision, and this one, I don’t have the result as I am recording—and that’s fine—was how I wanted to give birth. Knowing that I was pregnant and we decided that I would be giving birth in the US, I informed myself a lot. Initially, I was really a bit scared to give birth in the US. If you want to know more, or you’re interested in that topic, I would highly recommend a book by Ina May Gaskin. She is internationally renowned as a midwife and talks a lot about the difference between the midwifery model and the obstetrical model. She describes the American system, especially, but as we know, what happens in America slowly influences other countries, either slowly or quickly.
The midwifery model is really based on the midwife approach, which is: your body knows how to give birth. It’s about putting your body in the right environment, and it’s not a disease. Of course, if there is a situation of a low-risk pregnancy, you might need more support. But basically, your body knows how to do it. The baby knows how to get out. And it’s about supporting the woman in her journey so that things happen smoothly, and avoiding as many interventions as possible. The obstetrical model of birth is often disempowering for the woman and more about needing interventions. If things don’t happen in a certain timeframe, then there’s a problem—not trusting the body as much.
If you know me a bit, you can already imagine where I stand. And the intervention level is quite high in the US compared to where I come from, which is Europe. So for me, it was quite scary. I have a vision of how I want to give birth. Will I find people who will support that? And with lots of fears around what could happen if I go to the hospital. You have to know there are stats for that. You can ask, “What’s your level of C-section? What’s your intervention rate? How often do you do this and that intervention?” Levels of C-sections, for example, are quite high in the US, especially in Florida, compared to what is recommended by the International Health Organization.

It required so much work inside of me to open myself to the possibility that I would find people aligned with my vision in the US. It was much easier for me in Europe. So how do I want to give birth? That was a question I had to research for myself. I came to the conclusion that I felt safer in either a birthing center or a home birth. That’s always what we say for those who aren’t so much into the topic of pregnancies: the most important thing is where the mother feels safe. Some people will say, “I feel safe in the hospital,” and that’s perfectly fine. There is no generic response to that. It’s, again, your sense of safety that counts.
I had done all the research, and I’ve also been into this topic for longer than just since becoming pregnant. I already had a vision of birth. I have a very spiritual approach to birth. For me, it can be something very empowering, or it can be something very traumatic. Of course, we prepare everything for it to be empowering and a beautiful experience for both the baby and the mother, because I want the best for the baby. But we prepare for everything. What I’m sharing—I don’t have the answers as I’m recording. Maybe I’m going to end up in the hospital. Maybe the baby will choose when he’s going to be born. I have no idea how things will go.
And that’s dancing with life. You have a vision of your plan, how you would like it to be. You prepare for a certain plan, and then whatever comes, comes. But that’s not the point I’m making. When I give this example of how I needed to develop self-trust, it’s because, in that decision process, I’m not the only one. Again, there is also my partner, and he came from a very different place. First, I think he didn’t have as much knowledge—at least at the beginning—as I had gathered through the months. And it’s also me giving birth. It’s my body. I have to do most of the work. And for him, when I shared that, it was an immediate “No.” It’s like, “Home birth? Never. Too risky.”

He also comes from a family where there are many doctors and nurses working in hospitals, so I fully understand. And also, he’s Italian. In Italy, it’s not like the US. In Italy, you always have a midwife for birth. In the US, it’s usually 10% of births that are with a midwife. So, of course, we are in a different context. He also had to learn about how it works in the US. But for him, it was really an intense “No.” Here, again, we are talking about responsibility. It’s not only my life; it’s also the life of the baby. And of course, he loves us. He’s there, especially as a man, wanting to protect the people he loves. It’s not a light decision, like moving from one place to another. And there we were having discussions—first quite heated discussions. Not easy discussions. None of the discussions I’m talking about were easy.
And I remember one quite peaceful evening, sitting on the sofa, going back and forth. “What does it mean?” We assessed the risks and talked to different professionals to understand. It was a process for him to open himself to my vision, and it was a process of trusting myself. Because you can imagine all the information coming at you. It amplifies where your focus goes. All this, “A woman had this problem, and if she hadn’t been in a hospital, she wouldn’t have survived.” My own birth wasn’t smooth either. So I carry in my cells the memory of how I was born. To make it short, my mother almost died. There was an emergency C-section, and things could have gone really wrong. In the end, we all survived and are all fine.
You can imagine, between the experience of your body, the memory of your body, the feedback you receive from others—there is this general belief that home birth is not safe and that you need to give birth in a hospital. That’s the mainstream belief. So, of course, it’s easier to trust yourself when everyone shares your approach. When it’s not the case, you need more inner strength.

Now, the answer you might sense is that we are preparing for a home birth. Of course, we have a plan B—don’t worry. The hospital is nearby. Maybe I won’t give birth at home. We have no idea. Whatever happens, I set the vision. I always come back to trusting myself, and I surrender to life and what’s going to happen because you cannot control that. Maybe it’s going to look very different.

Conclusion: Deepening Self-Trust 

These three moments represent a commitment to myself, where I decided to say, “I trust myself, and this is what I feel is right.”
Of course, if you have a family, there are other people you are having discussions with. And you might recognize yourself in what I’m describing. It’s another process to bring others on board. And of course, it’s about compromise. There are other things where I know we’ve done what’s more in my direction, and there will be other moments where it will be more in his direction. And it’s already happened in the past. It’s a shared decision-making process.

What I want to say is: when I felt in the first decision process of where we move, and I was imagining myself moving somewhere else, I really felt in my soul that my soul would be crying. The project of giving birth at home, I really felt, whoa, if I move with what is right for my partner, which is giving birth in a hospital, because for him it would feel safe safer. I felt I was compromising my soul so deeply. So deeply. It really felt like a very disempowering decision. It was so strong that, yes, Sometimes we had very emotional conversation, because inside of me, it was not just a decision. It was…I can’t even find the word, not honouring my own path, my own soul.

Talking more about the relationship, if in a couple, you don’t honor what feels right to you which doesn’t mean you have to honor it every time because it’s made compromise. You are different people. But if you repeatedly compromise on what you feel is right for you, you lose yourself. You lose yourself in the relationship. And that’s where after many years, you end up maybe talking to me and saying to me: “Well, my life passed by and I didn’t live the life I wanted to live. I didn’t live my dreams. I didn’t live where I wanted to live. I didn’t do what I wanted to do. And I’ve lost myself in the relationship, in the family dynamic. I’ve lost myself. I don’t know anymore who I am, my direction” and it might end up also in a divorce. And you feel like, actually, I can’t live with that person anymore, where it’s because from the beginning or maybe during the relationship, you started to forget yourself.

So these decisions are important decision for me because I don’t want myself in the relationship to end up compromising and then being frustrated, being angry at him, feeling resentment. I want both of us, of course, to feel we can fulfill who we are also in the relationship or outside also of the relationship. But that we can both in a certain way follow our path, even though sometimes you follow more the other person or the other one. But there needs to be… Yeah, it’s not even the word a balance, because that would put more like the balance between both of you. Yes, we can say it that way, but more it’s like you can’t compromise with yourself and your own sense of your soul path, your direction, whatever you want to call it.

I hope this episode invites you to check in, maybe for the next year, how to not compromise on what you really want, desire, how to start listening more to yourself. Of course, you need space for that to happen. And I hope this message is going to infuse in for you so that you can also put yourself at the center of your life. Because if I had to summarize it, that’s also what some of my clients struggled with, like putting themselves in the center and not just others’ priorities, wishes, desires. So that was my journey more on the personal side for 2024.

So summary for me, this year was about developing even more self-trust in a situation where I’m maybe not doing or desiring first what my partner wants, what society approves, or mostly the mainstream way of thinking, and how can I go even deeper into that. That’s it for 2024 to go back to you.

In the next days, take a moment where you can be more in a receptive mode, maybe have a walk by yourself, sit with a candle, take a bath, watch the ocean, whatever enables you to be more in a Receptive mode and ask, what did 2024 hold for me? You might have an immediate response. What did you strengthen this year? And what does 2025 hold for me? And for that, don’t expect an immediate answer. You might have one. Maybe it will come with time. I finally understood my year. At the end of the year, we learn as we go. I hope you enjoyed this sharing. Let me know about your path, and I wish you a beautiful festive season!